I am up & about at the crack of dawn today for no other reason than I am too angry to sleep. I’m angry at what I see as an increasing number of unnecessary sleights & setbacks handed to me by the world in general. Missing out on 2 bonuses because I changed jobs when the company saw fit to sort it out, letters threatening me with court action over something I knew nothing about, a general under appreciation by loved ones, family, work colleagues & friends. The list is endless & pointless…

Believe me, I know none of this is actually that bad in the great scheme of things and I know it’s just my BPD playing tricks on me - but what am I supposed to do? How do think your way out of a feeling when it’s your brain that’s convincing you otherwise? How do you convince the sensible half of yourself that actually things aren’t that bad & you should just chill out when your other half is seeing setbacks, attacks lack of compassion everywhere..?

I’m just worried now that the next person who pays me the tiniest bit of attention, I’m gonna fall head over heels in love with them…

I keep seeing single magpies all the time. I don’t know if it’s the seeing them that gives me sorrow & subsequently affects future events, giving them a depressing tone & outcome - or whether they actually are harbingers of doom; souls of the dead come to warn of terrible & unavoidable upcoming catastrophes.

Either way, I feel pretty shit at the moment.

I have been a bit puzzled for a while now, as I am finding it difficult to reconcile my perception of myself with how others in the world see me.

I believe I am a good father, and yet my children (especially my son) don’t seem to want to spend any time with me.
When it is my weekend to have them stay over, increasingly each one of them is spending a night or two somewhere else. Be it with a friend, at their aunties or grandmas, or simply not bothering to come at all. It is a little upsetting as I feel like they don’t want to spend any time with me at all. Also, I have always contributed readily & without hesitation to my ex-partners for the upbringing of my children, & yet they still make snide comments & say I don’t give enough! I wonder sometimes if my self-perception is off, and actually I really am a twat who cares for no one but myself.

In my new job I believe I have made a positive contribution to the turnaround of fortunes for the team. When I started in December last year the team was on its knees. The rest of the company saw it almost as a failure, uselessness personified. I have taken some control of aspects of the work that were not being handled efficiently and helped bring them all within Service Level Agreement guidelines. Don’t get me wrong - I am NOT suggesting I have done this single-handledly - the whole team has raised its game brilliantly in the last 4 months. But I was a little disappointed not to receive a single nomination from anyone in the team for ‘Planner of the Month’ (nonetheless the winner was very deserving). I was also disappointed with feedback from my bosses who focused on one incident that occurred (which to be fair was not even my fault) & set me the task of being more of a team player. I will of course endeavour to achieve this - but I believed I already was a team player? Again, my self-perception does not match how others see me it seems.

Finally, I do not believe I am an unatttractive man. People tell me I’m not bad looking, tell me I’m funny & good company, tell me I look good. BUT I don’t know of anyone who actually finds me attractive at all. I don’t even think my wife fancies me to be honest, and we have discussed these feelings at length. She tells me she does, but she never shows it, and surely if you find someone attractive & they are actually YOURS you shouldn’t be able to keep your hands off them should you? My wife finds it very easy to keep her hands off me! Again, my perception of my own attractiveness does not match how others (even my wife) sees me, and it confuses the hell out of me.

I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and I wonder sometimes if this mismatch between my own perception of myself and how the world perceives me comes from this condition…

Oldham Athletic are staying up! Another HUGELY successful season lol!

I am a passionate man living a passionless life.